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Sex, Dating, and Relationships: A Fresh Approach
How far is too far?
What does the Bible say about sexuality?
How can I have a legit dating relationship?
Considering the sex-crazed, hook-up based culture we live in--not to mention the ever-climbing divorce rate--it's clear that we need a better understanding of sex, dating, and relationships. Pastors Gerald Hiestand and Jay Thomas give us a paradigm-shifting view of purity and relationships--a view that accounts for the biblical evidence and helps us guard against unnecessary heartache.
Sex, Dating, and Relationships adds a new, almost provocative voice to the conversation that pleads with Christians to get serious about honoring Christ with their sexuality. The question is: Are you ready for the challenge?
What does the Bible say about sexuality?
How can I have a legit dating relationship?
Considering the sex-crazed, hook-up based culture we live in--not to mention the ever-climbing divorce rate--it's clear that we need a better understanding of sex, dating, and relationships. Pastors Gerald Hiestand and Jay Thomas give us a paradigm-shifting view of purity and relationships--a view that accounts for the biblical evidence and helps us guard against unnecessary heartache.
Sex, Dating, and Relationships adds a new, almost provocative voice to the conversation that pleads with Christians to get serious about honoring Christ with their sexuality. The question is: Are you ready for the challenge?
154 pages, Paperback
First published February 29, 2012
About the author
Gerald L. Hiestand
15 books8 followersGerald L. Hiestand (PhD candidate, University of Reading) is the senior associate pastor at Calvary Memorial Church in Oak Park, Illinois, and the cofounder and director of the Center for Pastor Theologians. He is coauthor of The Pastor Theologian: Resurrecting an Ancient Vision and coeditor of Becoming a Pastor Theologian and Beauty, Order, and Mystery.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 90 reviews
May 21, 2023
A very helpful book, finishing on such an encouragement:
"His mercy and grace are sufficient for our failures along the way. Strive for the ideal with all your heart while affording yourself the same grace God has granted to you through Christ. And may we each keep our eyes on his face rather than on our own stumbling, and press on toward the goal of God's ideal. For the believer, the battle is already won; it merely remains to be fought!"
"His mercy and grace are sufficient for our failures along the way. Strive for the ideal with all your heart while affording yourself the same grace God has granted to you through Christ. And may we each keep our eyes on his face rather than on our own stumbling, and press on toward the goal of God's ideal. For the believer, the battle is already won; it merely remains to be fought!"
August 5, 2014
I've read several books before on dating/courtship/whatever-you-want-to-call-it. This book beats them all.
Pros:
I love how this book starts investigating this topic by going right to the Bible and founding the entire discussion in the Gospel. Too many other authors that I've read seem to start their discussion and reasoning on this topic based off of personal anecdotes, or slippery-slope arguments. To have a book start with the Bible and looking at the point of marriage first is a refreshing perspective in a very crowded field of perspectives on this topic.
Coming off of the first point, I really appreciated how the authors tried to ground their advice in the Bible as much as possible. While I was a bit skeptical at first of their claim that the Bible says more about this than we think, I was won over by the end of the book. Their central point of relationships--that there are only three kinds of relationships in the Bible (marriage, family, neighbor), and that while some things change over time, you can't just add a whole new category of relationship--was excellent and completely transformed my whole paradigm of thinking on this issue.
This book kind of defies categories in the whole dating/courtship debate. The best way I see of describing it is that it has many of the standards of courtship, but the form of dating. In my opinion, this middle route does a great job of mediating the natural problems of either side (the lack of focus in dating, the excessive formality of courtship; not that those in those camps necessarily fall into those problems, but that often they have those leanings).
Finally, Hiestand and Thomas' points of commitment and how there really is no commitment until engagement were really good. It became somewhat repetitious at this point, but the message was driven home. And while I don't agree with all of the practical applications they tried to drive with this (while their argument for why dating isn't exclusive sounded alright in theory, I can't see it working in practice) the general principle here was really on-target.
Cons:
While I appreciated the fact that the book didn't rely on personal anecdotes and stories, it would have been nice if they had some of them in order to give some pictures of what their theories look like in practice.
Overall:
It's hard to list all the different things about this book that I liked since this book has fundamentally changed the way I think about relationships. This is easily one of the best books I read last year, and one that I heartily recommend for this topic, both for all the biblical support they give, and for their unique ideas that accurately portray the problems in the modern dating/courting sphere.
5 stars.
Pros:
I love how this book starts investigating this topic by going right to the Bible and founding the entire discussion in the Gospel. Too many other authors that I've read seem to start their discussion and reasoning on this topic based off of personal anecdotes, or slippery-slope arguments. To have a book start with the Bible and looking at the point of marriage first is a refreshing perspective in a very crowded field of perspectives on this topic.
Coming off of the first point, I really appreciated how the authors tried to ground their advice in the Bible as much as possible. While I was a bit skeptical at first of their claim that the Bible says more about this than we think, I was won over by the end of the book. Their central point of relationships--that there are only three kinds of relationships in the Bible (marriage, family, neighbor), and that while some things change over time, you can't just add a whole new category of relationship--was excellent and completely transformed my whole paradigm of thinking on this issue.
This book kind of defies categories in the whole dating/courtship debate. The best way I see of describing it is that it has many of the standards of courtship, but the form of dating. In my opinion, this middle route does a great job of mediating the natural problems of either side (the lack of focus in dating, the excessive formality of courtship; not that those in those camps necessarily fall into those problems, but that often they have those leanings).
Finally, Hiestand and Thomas' points of commitment and how there really is no commitment until engagement were really good. It became somewhat repetitious at this point, but the message was driven home. And while I don't agree with all of the practical applications they tried to drive with this (while their argument for why dating isn't exclusive sounded alright in theory, I can't see it working in practice) the general principle here was really on-target.
Cons:
While I appreciated the fact that the book didn't rely on personal anecdotes and stories, it would have been nice if they had some of them in order to give some pictures of what their theories look like in practice.
Overall:
It's hard to list all the different things about this book that I liked since this book has fundamentally changed the way I think about relationships. This is easily one of the best books I read last year, and one that I heartily recommend for this topic, both for all the biblical support they give, and for their unique ideas that accurately portray the problems in the modern dating/courting sphere.
5 stars.
August 23, 2021
Esse é o melhor livro a que tive acesso até hoje no tema. É absurdamente esclarecedor quanto a questão de limites sem ser legalista. Foi como que uma venda caísse dos meus olhos à medida que eu lia. Arrependida por que posterguei por anos a leitura desse livro. :)
February 5, 2022
So I had to read this for a men’s group and boy was this book terrible. It’s not that I completely disagreed with everything, there were some things I liked. The problem was that the book was pretty narrow-minded and you can tell that this book on dating was written by two older married guys. This made it problematic when discussing their “solution” to today’s dating model as they feel like the only problem with it is the sexual boundaries aspect of dating. They spent 3/4 of this book talking about boundaries (which I didn’t necessarily disagree with completely) but through that conversation, assumed the only readers would be guys and belittled the role of the woman in a relationship. This was pretty frustrating and was just the surface of the problems that I had with this book.
June 9, 2021
I am hesitant to say a critique because the book is very good but I have to say that I was shocked by their disappointing brief section on one sensitive topic which I found soft and out of line with all of the (good! accurate!) things they said in the preceding chapters about the point of any sexuality to be to model the unity of christ and the church. And also, there were just a few stray sentences that were bad.
For these reasons I took off a star, but many sections, and the main concepts of the book are five star and v helpful. While I would counsel every individual to their diverse personality, needs, and the person of interest, I will certainly use explanations from this book to guide my children or other singles I have relationships with.
For these reasons I took off a star, but many sections, and the main concepts of the book are five star and v helpful. While I would counsel every individual to their diverse personality, needs, and the person of interest, I will certainly use explanations from this book to guide my children or other singles I have relationships with.
May 4, 2023
A clear and practical book written for those both in relationships and those who aren't. I found this especially useful, giving the biblical aspects of a dating relationship and what it entails alongside giving a clear mandate for purity, treating all as brothers and sisters until the very point of marriage. The concept of a 'dating friendship', although not commonly known about in today's society, was intriguing and makes one recontemplate the 'conventional' methods of finding a spouse. I would recommend this book to anyone seeking to find solace in singleness, those who are seeking a romantic relationship and those who want purity in their romantic relationship, glorifying God and foreshadowing Christ and His Church.
February 23, 2023
I had so many takeaways reading this book. I think a lot of their insights on relationships and dating are pretty crazy by today's standards, even for Christians, but also very biblical. I also think a lot of their guidelines on relationships are only doable if both individuals have read the book and agree, otherwise the level of commitment in the relationship could be confusing. That's why I gave it 4 stars, because dating friendships and the commitment in those relationships don't really convince me a couple will know they're ready for marriage.
All in all, before this book I hadn't read anything so straightforward about spiritual reasons for purity--the most important being we need to respect that we're made in God's image--so that was super inspiring to me. I don't think I fully agree with everything presented in this book but the authors promoted living out the Gospel and helped their readers desire to do that too, so I'm very happy I finally read it!
All in all, before this book I hadn't read anything so straightforward about spiritual reasons for purity--the most important being we need to respect that we're made in God's image--so that was super inspiring to me. I don't think I fully agree with everything presented in this book but the authors promoted living out the Gospel and helped their readers desire to do that too, so I'm very happy I finally read it!
October 11, 2012
A very helpful book and overall I found it a refreshing, clarifying, and encouraging look at the topic. The call to a higher standard of Gospel centered sexual purity in every stage of life was convicting and inspiring. It takes a lot to intimidate me, but this book came across pretty strong handed. Maybe it's just the rebel streak in me, but even though I found myself generally agreeing with the authors', the way they presented their case made it a bit hard to swallow. The last few chapters were a head above the rest of the book in clarity, encouragement, and practical advice; but I guess you needed the ground work of the rest of the book for them to have their full effect. I would definitely recommend this to friends!
August 26, 2019
5 stars, with caution. Does that make sense? *laughs* I loved this book and many of the ideas presented, but I would read it with discretion. I don't necessarily agree with everything. Regardless, it's another great resource to get us thinking seriously about sexuality, holiness, relationships, and marriage! So, especially if you are a single Christian, I would recommend picking up a copy of "Sex, Dating, and Relationships: A Fresh Approach, and giving some thought and prayer to what Gerald Hiestand and Jay S. Thomas have to say!
Read
March 29, 20212021- A book about relationships
December 24, 2020
One of the best Christian books I’ve read. Well organized and incredibly Gospel centered. I feel like I want to just buy a dozen or so copies and give them to everyone in my life. Cannot recommend it enough.
July 1, 2020
Excellent!! Hiestand and Thomas give us a gospel-centered way to look at dating and challenge us to depart from the culture's ways and live a Christ-exalting life of purity. A must-read for teens and young adults and their parents.
"So if you find the road too long, then rest assured you have found the right road. With mankind, this journey is impossible, but with God, all things are possible. He remembers our frame, that we are but dust. His mercy and grace are sufficient for our failures along the way. Strive for the ideal with all your heart while affording yourself the same grace God has granted to you through Christ. And may we each keep our eyes on his face rather than on our own stumbling, and press on toward the goal of God's ideal. For the believer, the battle is already won; it merely remains to be fought!"
2020 A book about relationships or friendship
"So if you find the road too long, then rest assured you have found the right road. With mankind, this journey is impossible, but with God, all things are possible. He remembers our frame, that we are but dust. His mercy and grace are sufficient for our failures along the way. Strive for the ideal with all your heart while affording yourself the same grace God has granted to you through Christ. And may we each keep our eyes on his face rather than on our own stumbling, and press on toward the goal of God's ideal. For the believer, the battle is already won; it merely remains to be fought!"
2020 A book about relationships or friendship
Read
February 21, 2016First really good thing I have read since Walter Trobisch, in some aspects even better for being based on the Reformed worldview, and specifically on the idea that all of life is related to the gospel. Not as geared to youngsters as Trobisch, I hope it spawms other works for teenagers, for girls, for parents.
December 30, 2015
O melhor livro que já li sobre o assunto. Muito feliz de finalmente publicá-lo pela Editora Monergismo!
January 3, 2017
I wish every teen in my church would read this. So good.
June 21, 2023
Hmm.. and I thought the Slavic Baptist dating culture was messed up lol This view of dating truly was refreshing because it encapsulates the conclusions I've already made after seeing the destructiveness of Slavic Baptists' golden standard of "not dating at all": getting to know if she's the one through group activities and ministry to then eventually pop the question and be engaged for maximum nine months/ a year and guilt tripping those that do decide to date/ end up breaking up after dating. But, this is also not the American way of just casually dating or being exclusive for an inordinate amount of time without any actual commitment to marriage. This book gives a measured middle ground of friend dating, going on dates to get to know a person for marriage while clarifying that the decision hasn’t been made yet (no romance or physical affection you wouldn’t give towards your sibling). It also gives a convicting view of purity in every sphere of life. I kind of already agreed with the latter but I think the authors took the idea further and gave tools to eliminate lust at the root: the heart. I feel encouraged that biblical dating does exist for faithful believers and that God has it all under control. Everything ultimately is done for Gods glory and dating should also be seen through that lens of the gospel. This view of dating seems to have a solid biblical foundation but alas since it’s not spelled out word for word in the Bible I admit there might differences of opinion and aspects that can be argued otherwise. It appeals to me largely because of my background and would be very helpful for my Slavic Baptist single compatriots. I will definitely be sharing this book with them.
June 26, 2021
A fresh take on how to pursue relationships in an age of sexual promiscuity and emotional heartbreak. The authors call out the readers to follow age old wisdom, not modern society, when it comes to searching out a spouse. Their advice aims at minimizing these physical and emotional wounds by exposing the false sense of security and commitment that the dating model provides. They advocate for relationships that focus on character qualities, personality, and likeminded vision instead of sexual chemistry and emotional codependency. The wisdom of this book should not be brushed off lightly as “old fashioned” or “outdated” without the reader seriously considering and having more than superficial rebuttals for the well thought through and challenging points of view present.
May 23, 2020
This has done exactly what it was intended to do. Maybe I would apply a few things differently, but the authors freshly and objectively considered the biblical categories of relationships without cultural bias. Not just another cliche Christian dating book, it shifts the whole understanding and process of dating to more biblically informed categories of relationships.
I would recommend this to any Christian. It’s short enough, and we’re all heavily impacted by the dating culture whether we’re dating, single, or married. If not even for yourself, this book is worth thinking through so that you can give good, biblical advice.
I would recommend this to any Christian. It’s short enough, and we’re all heavily impacted by the dating culture whether we’re dating, single, or married. If not even for yourself, this book is worth thinking through so that you can give good, biblical advice.
February 17, 2021
The thoughts and concepts were really good. The presentation was lacking. Words were not well defined... at all. Some application was very confusing because of it. Even so I can recommend it as a read because I think it has some great ideas and can at the least stimulate really good conversations and lines of thought. I'm glad I'm not in the dating world myself anymore but for friends that are I would recommend this book, but please don't take it as the bible and realize that it does have trouble communicating some points well because of improperly defined words. And while there is no one size fits all as far as dating goes, this seems a pretty good approach to a God honouring way of dating.
July 4, 2020
Melhor livro sobre o assunto. Sensacional!
January 7, 2021
Simply excellent. Gospel-driven and Christ oriented. This book should be read by every adolescents, parents and pastors.
The Bible is a lot more clear than we think about relationships between a man and a woman out of mariage.
I highly recommend and pray that this will be in French soon.
The Bible is a lot more clear than we think about relationships between a man and a woman out of mariage.
I highly recommend and pray that this will be in French soon.
February 8, 2024
One of the best books I have read on this topic. Less legalistic and more biblically sound, challenging Christians to date differently than the world. I would highly recommend this, especially to young people!
August 17, 2021
Highly recommend this
June 27, 2020
Best book on the topic I've read. Most gospel centered and biblical in its approach.
November 19, 2021
Excellent! Now my go to book on the subject.
November 25, 2021
This is an excellent book that taught me so much about God's design for sex and marriage. The book also helps unblur the lines of what is appropriate when in a dating relationship. I highly recommend this book for singles of any age and even parents raising children to help prepare them for the dating stage.
January 22, 2021
An excellent book on this much debated topic.
The whole premise is based around the belief that the Bible has 3 distinct relationship categories
1 Family
2 Neighbour
3 Marriage
Obviously only 1 of these is appropriate for a christian to engage in sexual activity in. There is no other category so therefore you abstain from all sexual activity until you are married. Any activity that is sexual in anyway, ie you wouldn't do it with your sibling, is therefor not appropriate outside the context of marriage.
The whole premise is based around the belief that the Bible has 3 distinct relationship categories
1 Family
2 Neighbour
3 Marriage
Obviously only 1 of these is appropriate for a christian to engage in sexual activity in. There is no other category so therefore you abstain from all sexual activity until you are married. Any activity that is sexual in anyway, ie you wouldn't do it with your sibling, is therefor not appropriate outside the context of marriage.
September 5, 2016
Sex, Dating, and Relationships grounds its message in the Gospel, and shows how sex in marriage is a type of Christ and the Church. This is why sexual purity matters - sexual immorality disgraces the spiritual reality of union with Christ. The book advocates "Dating Friendships" instead of "Dating Relationships". Dating Relationships being a state of false commitment (boyfriend/girlfriend) and premature romantic and physical gestures (kissing, etc.) The book shows how the Bible speaks of only three proper relationship categories for men and women; family, neighbor, and marriage. There is no in-between category called dating where romance and sexual relations are carried on without commitment. Hiestand and Thomas argue that since marriage is the only proper category for sexual relations, those interested in marriage should pursue a spouse through "Dating Friendships," in which dating is an activity to get to know and evaluate a possible partner in light of possible marriage, rather than a separate relational category. This definition clears up a lot of the confusion around "dating," and emphasizes purity in what is still a "neighbor" relationship. There is a lot more that could be said about this book. It is possibly the best book I have read on the subject to date (pun intended). I heartily recommend this book both to singles and those who know one.
March 6, 2013
This book adequately covers its three topics on sex, dating, and relationships. In my reading so far, it’s been the best book to describe the connection between sex and the gospel. It explains deep theological truths in simple terms that are easy to understand, which provides the basic framework for the rest of the book. The subtitle stands true especially in regards to their teaching on dating, for it is a fresh approach that I found to be biblical. Although, since it is so different than our culture’s view of dating, I would like to see a little more clarity and practical examples of how to have a “dating friendship” rather than a “dating relationship.” Overall, I found the book to be very helpful and insightful in a culture that’s completely confused about sex, dating, and relationships. I highly recommend it!
June 16, 2015
This is by far the best book I've read on approaching relationships from a biblical perspective. I've Josh Harri's books (Kissed Dating Goodbye, Boy Meets Girls), and another title "Soul Virgins". And while those were helpful, this book did a great job of really addressing the topic from a biblical principle perspective. It didn't get into the whole dating/courtship debate, but rather addressed what the bible says our conduct should be towards 1) our spouse, and 2) people not our spouse. And I think it did a great job of dealing with the whole concept of boyfriend/girlfriend that has developed in our culture today. I see this as an essential resource for parents with teens, and any single out there looking to honor God and the other person in a relationship.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 90 reviews