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When Sinners Say "I Do": Discovering the Power of the Gospel for Marriage

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Marriage is the union of two people who arrive at the altar toting some surprisingly large luggage. Often it gets opened right there on the honeymoon, sometimes it waits for the week after. The Bible calls it sin and understanding its influence can make all the difference for a man and woman who are building a life together. When Sinners Say "I Do" is about encountering the life-transforming power of the gospel in the unpredictable journey of marriage.

Dave's writing style embraces the reader as he speaks honestly, and sometimes humorously, about sin and the power of the gospel to overcome it. He opens the delightful truth of God s word and encourages the reader to see more clearly the glorious picture of what God does when sinners say "I do."

183 pages, Paperback

First published June 1, 2007

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About the author

Dave Harvey

73 books50 followers
Librarian Note: There is more than one author in the GoodReads database with this name.

Dave Harvey is senior pastor of Covenant Fellowship Church (Glen Mills, PA), part of a family of churches called Sovereign Grace Ministries. He received his Doctor of Ministry in Pastoral Care from Westminster Theological Seminary. Dave lives in West Chester, Pennsylvania, with his wife, Kimm, and their four children.

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5 stars
2,083 (50%)
4 stars
1,331 (32%)
3 stars
517 (12%)
2 stars
106 (2%)
1 star
49 (1%)
Displaying 1 - 30 of 338 reviews
Profile Image for Shannon.
646 reviews32 followers
March 21, 2016
While I generally prefer the insightful, research-laden work of Tim Keller on just about every subject, I have to say that this is probably the most practically helpful book on marriage I've ever read. (Don't get me wrong, though: I still LOVE Keller's The Meaning of Marriage. The two books just have different aims.)

During the first few chapters, my initial response was, "Heyyyy. You just took the chapter subjects of every single Reformed book written on the Gospel during the last ten years and then applied them to marriage."

But oh my goodness, it worked.

What better place to practice Gospel living than in my ever-present, glorious, sinful marriage? Harvey not only helped me see more specifically how the Gospel affects each part of my marriage every day, but he also broke open some familiar Gospel truths so that they became fresh again.

My favorite chapter has to be the last, "When Sinners Say Goodbye." Ever since having children and losing that effortless skinny figure I took for granted for my entire life, I have struggled with body image. No amount of mommy-blog platitudes ("Being a mom is worth it!" "These stretch marks are a mark of my accomplishment!") could shake it. But Harvey's redemptive reminder of "Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day" (2 Cor. 4:16) helped more than anything else has. The most important and lasting part of me is growing more beautiful year by year because God is working in me year by year: now THAT's food to nourish my soul.
Profile Image for Owen Lewis.
57 reviews9 followers
January 3, 2024
Very good, encouraging read. A great reminder on how a biblical understanding of sin helps us delight more in Christ - and this love of Christ enables and convicts us to love our spouses in the light of His grace to us. Marriage is indeed a precious gift from God!
Profile Image for Bryce Beale.
127 reviews5 followers
January 26, 2024
Wow, this is one of the best and most practical books I have ever read on marriage.

Although the title might suggest there will be a heavy focus on personal failures in marriage, that is far from true. Harvey advocates instead for a healthy self-suspicion and a high volume of grace in marriage, in view of our ongoing struggles against sin in the flesh.

When Sinners Say "I Do" is very readable and relatable. It is not theologically rich but neither is it theologically poor—this is theology in boots, marching through the mud-and-dirt trials of marriage as it is. I'm glad I read it, and will recommend it gladly to others.
Profile Image for Randy Alcorn.
Author 228 books1,431 followers
Read
May 1, 2012
My friend Dave Harvey has written a wonderful book. When Sinners Say I Do is honest, refreshing, practical, and above all biblical. These carefully written pages spill over with truth and grace. This book is liberating, Christ-centered and hope-filled, pointing the way to God-empowered marriage. I’m delighted to recommend it.
Profile Image for Tom Sussex.
32 reviews12 followers
April 26, 2020
This book is brilliant. Dave Harvey manages to increase your excitement of marriage while at the same time making you more aware of your sin- how does that make sense? Because of the beautiful picture of God's grace that he puts at the forefront of every discussion. Both great for how practical it is and how well it prepares your heart. (Or at least let's hope so!)
Profile Image for Matt.
81 reviews20 followers
November 13, 2008
This is a pretty good book where themes of humility and the need for God's grace run strong. A healthy recognition of your own failures and even the ones you don't see will obviously help you to approach conflict with humility and your necessity of the gospel on a day to day basis.
It seemed to me that even though the book is for both men and women, it seemed more appropriate for men. The book is very much influenced by Harvey's own experiences in his marriage as a man. He deals with the struggles that a lot of men struggle with in evangelical, complementarian circles.
One part of the book did bother me. In his chapter on forgiveness, he praises an elderly lady for never growing bitter and constantly forgiving her husband who was a pastor with no integrity that had engaged in adultery. Years later, even though they were divorced, she still prayed for him, etc. This is all great and necessary, but Harvey missed out on a key opportunity to instruct Christian women to not just be forgiving but to also confront sin in their spouse. What needed to happen was out of love for her husband she needed to confront him and take him before the leaders in the church and expose his sin. 1 Corinthians 13 says love does not rejoice in unrighteousness. By failing to instruct Christian women who are in complementarian relationships where roles are the big thing, Harvey sets up women for all kinds of abuse they need not endure. Unknowingly or not, he promotes the view of submission that puts up with all the husband's crap without biblical confrontation. Women in these circles need to be encouraged and taught to confront these types of situations, not just "to submit and forgive."
Besides this, I found the book to be helpful reminding me of my own sinfulness and proneness to be the one in the right. My need for the gospel of grace every day should cause me to be more gracious in my relationship with my wife.
Profile Image for Luiz.
49 reviews1 follower
May 13, 2019
Este é um excelente livro sobre casamento. Não, é mais que isso... é um livro sobre a natureza humana e a graça que nos resgata e nos santifica. Nesse resgate, nosso casamento precisa de graça e humildade! Leia!
Profile Image for Abbie.
133 reviews
April 28, 2021
Might be my new favorite book on marriage! Biblical, funny, and relatable! I especially liked the section on self-righteousness and how we must start with the foundation that >>I<< am the biggest sinner in the relationship.
Profile Image for Laura Diaz.
16 reviews7 followers
November 13, 2020
Un libro útil y necesario para ir con el enfoque correcto al matrimonio. No sé trata de mi, ni mi pareja, sino de Cristo y su Iglesia.
Profile Image for Sarah.
Author 42 books433 followers
October 16, 2021
As Scott and I prepared for our wedding, we were given a lot of recommendations on books to read. Many of the books seem to be written to scare young couples into realizing this is a serious thing they are taking on and will be hard. Most of the ones that sounded good were written for couples in an active marriage. And a few sounded just downright dumb or dry.
When our pastor bought and handed Scott and me each a copy of this book, I decided to give this one a try.
Does it take a serious look at marriage? Yes!
Is it written to scare in-love couples? No!!
Is it applicable to both married and soon-to-be-married? Yes!

This book address selfishness and how it can really affect a marriage. While not an exhaustive book on marriage it's a keeper and already has underlining in it (from me).

Oh, and can I just say that Harvey is a masterful writer? Unlike a lot of books I started on, this guy has a talent with words, not just a good theological base.
Profile Image for Bill Forgeard.
788 reviews87 followers
September 5, 2018
Another fantastic marriage book. Surprisingly theological, in a good way -- Dave Harvey's down-to-earth, funny, pastoral approach applies theology to the real life issues of marriage very helpfully. (The final chapter about preparing for the death of a spouse, and living for Jesus afterwards, is a fantastic stand alone section.)

Read again in 2018. Struck this time by the honest focus on self-examination, sin, humility and confession in marriage, and also by the three stage examination of mercy (overlooking sin), forgiveness (when sin is confessed) and confrontation of sin (for the good of the other).
Profile Image for Carissa Benton.
28 reviews2 followers
May 20, 2022
Everyone should read this book. This was my second read through and I appreciated it all the more having been married 5 years than I did reading it as an almost newlywed. So very applicable to every stage of life and marriage and so very gospel centered.
Profile Image for Peter Krol.
Author 2 books58 followers
September 17, 2013
I was eager to read this book, as numerous friends all highly recommended it. I certainly wasn't let down.

How challenging it is to keep the Gospel central in marriage (or in any other part of life for that matter)! However, Dave Harvey does an excellent job taking a look at the marriage relationship through the lens of the Gospel.

I thought the best chapter was, "The Surgeon, the Scalpel, and the Spouse in Sin," which was all about when and how to confront your spouse on sin. I thought Harvey's take on this issue (that the "surgeon" needs to exercise special wisdom, courage, and meekness) was very helpful. It is certainly easy for me to "cut deep" when I feel like something is important to me. But I need to be driven much more by what would serve the other person and set them up for a willingness to hear.

Also, it was striking to read a book on marriage that ends with a vision for dying well. This was sobering, yet quite a compelling vision.

One small thing that bothered me about the book was that Harvey's object lessons to illustrate his points often seem a little corny (for example, his oven used to overcook their food, and they discovered the problem to be not with the dials but with the oven. This was a lesson to make sure to discover the root problems in marriage conflict.).

However, the fact that he aimed to illustrate his points so often is praiseworthy. Harvey did well in seeking to drive his points home to the reader.

I would recommend this book to anyone, not just those who are married. The principles covered in it are easily applicable to almost any relationship.

Second reading (2013): I just downgraded my rating to 4 stars. I still love the book's message, but I found the author's style much more distracting. Many illustrations never really landed and lessened the weight of the argument.

But the argument remains a central need in every marriage: We're still sinners, and we need God's grace in our marriages.
Profile Image for Camilla.
49 reviews1 follower
January 11, 2021
It's becoming glaringly obvious I don't like self-help books very much. It took me over a year to pull myself through this one, so that gives you an idea of how entertaining I found it.

I know, I know, it's not supposed to be entertaining - but, really, I don't feel like it added anything new to my knowledge about marriage. I feel like the main points of the book could be easily summarised in just one chapter, without missing out on anything. No point in dragging it out on so many pages.

On the plus side, the author does make some good points, and the theology seems solid. I'm sure it's helpful for some people.
January 9, 2018
For any Christian marriage who needs a reminder of what their marriage is intended for. I can’t recommend this book enough & I’m sure I’ll be turning back to it again and again. Biblical principles and a lot of scripture to back up his statements.
Profile Image for Angela Madrigal.
9 reviews1 follower
January 3, 2020
Excelente libro para leer idealmente antes del matrimonio, si no a comienzos de esta etapa.
Ayuda a tener un corazón compasivo y perdonador en nuestro matrimonio.
Profile Image for Kyle Grindberg.
335 reviews20 followers
September 21, 2022
Pretty good, read for my counseling class.

Harvey’s main argument is that God is the most important part of your marriage, and since sin goes against a holy God, therefore, to work on their marriage, a husband and wife must mutually commit to killing sin. Harvey then goes on for the rest of the book to offer a series of very practical tips for putting sin to death in marriage. He starts out by making the biblical case for us as sinners and our having of a sinful nature. Next, he goes through our warfare against sin, that our spouse is not our enemy, rather sin. Then he talks about how we should focus on the sin in us, not the sin we see in our spouse. After that he goes into the importance of mercy in defeating sin and strife. Next, he exhorts us to truly forgive as we have been forgiven. After that he talks about how to make your marriage a safe place to rebuke and exhort one another about sins, in order to help each other in sanctification. Then he talks about how grace is the ultimate recourse in marriage. He then makes a hard pivot to talking about sex (up until this point, the book could really be applied by Christians living in any communal context, here is where he turns to actual marital questions). The last topic he tackles, again in this marriage-specific section at the end of the book, is sickness and death in marriage.

Overall, I agreed with the book, the author took Reformed concepts and made the palatable for a broader audience, which is commendable. I would recommend this book for a couple struggling in marriage, especially if they were more nominal Christians. Actually, this book was used as the curriculum for a small group at our previous broadly Evangelical non-Reformed church (we didn’t read it in the group, they merely used it as the curriculum, FYI), and it’s worth noting that our hosts were Egalitarian in their views of roles in marriage. But therein lies my issue with this book. The book takes a (admittedly tacit) gnostic attitude towards us as man or woman. When we look at how the Apostle Paul or the Apostle Peter instructs us in our marriages, they exhort us as a husband or a wife, never as a “spouse.” A Christian book on marriage, even one concentrating on sin as the ultimate enemy of our marriages, ought to (at least) call out the sins common to our sex, and also the sex-specific scriptural-remedy to those sins. The Apostles command to the weaknesses endemic to our sex. The injunction is not for husbands to respect their wives, and for wives to love their husbands, because those actions come easier to men and women, respectively. But rather, are husbands to respect their wives? And wives their husbands? Yes to both, but in general terms, for example, 1 Peter 2:17 says to show respect to everyone, and to love the brotherhood. However, when dealing with husbands and wives specifically, we are to do as the Apostles teach. This was hugely lacking from the book. Furthermore, the fact that childrearing was not touched on is also problematic, given that Christian marriage is to “raise up a godly seed” (Malachi 2:15). But I digress.
Profile Image for Jonathan.
891 reviews9 followers
June 28, 2022
5/10

I really enjoyed portions of this book, especially the first few chapters. It quickly got bogged down into meaninglessness and drab theology, as well as some specific issues particular to evangelical sexual ethics. Specifically, it heavily implies that women are responsible for there husbands sexual morality, and can regulate it by having sex with them. Harvey doesn't say it that sharply, but even hinted at its disgusting.

Below are some thoughts or points from the book.

What we believe about God determines the quality of our marriage.

Sin is the biggest issue in our marriage, not lack of communication or anything else.

The focus of our marriage should be the glory of God.

"When sin becomes bitter, marriage becomes sweet."

I realize the depth of my sin, but fail to incorporate grace into my view of it. It can be difficult to look at this in marriage because I don't see issues in marriage as sin as much as difficulty.

I don't grant myself the grace that God does.

When I apologize, it's marital damage control. I am typically the first to apologize, which can help me justify it. True humility is realizing I am the worst of sinners, and have sinned first against God, then my wife. Mercy should be the founding principle of our marriage. Dispense mercy.
I tend to believe everything my spouse does was intended to cause its outcome, yet believe that my intentions are more important then the outcomes I create, this comes from a lack of empathy and mercy. We have been forgiven the biggest debt, so we should forgive the sinner we married.

Sin is a constant war, one you can't relax from.

"If you suspect yourself, you're more likely to inspect yourself."

“It ought to be the business of every day to prepare for our last day.”
Profile Image for Kimberly Patton.
Author 3 books14 followers
March 23, 2023
Overall, here are my thoughts
-his tone was that of a man. I know that sounds cliche but he was overly masculine and I didn’t enjoy his tone of voice. His jokes were not funny to me
-It is stuff I’ve heard before. Nothing new really. Truth, yes, but I didn’t enjoy the way he packaged it. Personal preference maybe but it did feel slightly outdated to me
-focusing on sin and the gospel sounds great and it probably is… but something about it just wasn’t interesting to me. Not to say it’s “wrong” but not my taste or I felt like Kevin and I in our marriage may not relate
-the story about emotional abuse (Gordon and Emma) in marriage really troubled me. I don’t agree with the way he presented it.

It might be a good handbook to teach out of in marriage classes because he does lay down some great truths. I could probably pick out themes and talk about them to married couples but I don’t know that I would recommend the book to everyone. Maybe if I felt they would relate to it
Profile Image for Coalición por el Evangelio.
224 reviews179 followers
Read
October 7, 2021
Leí este libro con mi esposa meses antes de nuestra boda, y llegó directo a nuestro corazón. Fue de tanta ayuda que esperamos leerlo de nuevo más adelante en nuestro caminar. Este es un libro que recomiendo mucho a todo noviazgo, matrimonio, y pastor. ¡Estoy seguro que será de mucha ayuda en la consejería pastoral!

No te dejes engañar por la portada convencional; «Cuando los pecadores dicen “acepto”» es un libro saturado del evangelio, lleno de excelentes consejos y exhortaciones, llamándonos a exaltar a Dios en nuestros matrimonios.

Lee la reseña en Coalición por el Evangelio.
306 reviews
August 9, 2023
This was my third time through this book. (I read it once, then used it with a Young Married Couples Group at church. Then recently, I did it with another group of newlyweds.)

While at times the book can get a bit cheesy (or funny, depending on how you feel about such things), this book approaches the topic of marriage with a constant emphasis on the gospel. So that means discussions of grace and mercy and forgiveness... and yes, of the sin that pervades every marriage.

Definitely a good read for any married couple, not only newlyweds!
Profile Image for Ryan Linkous.
360 reviews38 followers
January 4, 2024
A helpful book to consider that sin exists in our marriages and that the first place we need to consider is ourselves and how God's grace applies to our marriage and our spouse. I don't think this should stand alone as the only book reads for marriage – other books dealing with pragmatic aspects of marriage are helpful. But it is unique in its theological anthropology.

I found Harvey's counsel pretty helpful concerning addressing your spouse's sin gracefully as a good paradigm for addressing sin in others' lives in general.
Profile Image for Sarah Eustache.
180 reviews7 followers
April 1, 2019
This book was absolutely fantastic, and I would recommend it to anyone who is married, is engaged or is thinking about getting married.

This is the book that my fiance and I read through for our pre-marital counseling classes with our pastor.

It's awesome, read it.

xoxo
Sarah June
www.sarahjuneblog.com
Profile Image for JP.
22 reviews3 followers
October 24, 2019
Dessa vez eu não li, ouvi, rs
Ouço muito a respeito desse livro, então resolvi conferir por audiobook. Achei excepcional!
Dave Harvey traz uma mensagem simples e prática sobre como manter seu casamento centrado no Evangelho. Uma obra cheia de sabedoria, centrada na Palavra e de tamanha a relevância, que, no final das contas pouco importa o seu estado civil.
Profile Image for Andrea G.
30 reviews
August 11, 2023
Excellent-we spend so much time looking out our spouses sin, neglecting to see ours. But it doesn’t end there. The gospel/our Savior is the answer. Biblical, practical, one of my favorite books on this topic.
Profile Image for Daniel Nava.
10 reviews
August 14, 2017
Excelente libro, recomendado para todos aquellos que estan de novios, casados inclusive para solteros!
Displaying 1 - 30 of 338 reviews

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