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If Only He Knew: What No Woman Can Resist
Do you want your wife - understand you? - appreciate you? - be more responsive sexually? - support you during hard times? - admire you? - share your interests? - listen to what you have to say?
208 pages, Mass Market Paperback
First published May 21, 1982
About the author
Gary Smalley
257 books109 followersGary Smalley was one of the country's best-known authors and speakers on family relationships. He was the award-winning, best-selling author or coauthor of sixteen books, as well as several popular films and videos. The Blessing and The Two Sides of Love have won Gold Medallions, The Language of Love won the Angel Award as the best contribution to family life, and his other titles have received Silver Medallions. His national infomercial Hidden Keys to Loving Relationships has been viewed by television audiences all over the world.
Dr. Greg Smalley graduated with his doctorate degree in clinical psychology from Rosemead School of Psychology at Biola University in Southern California. He also holds master's degrees in counseling psychology (Denver Seminary) and clinical psychology (Rosemead). Dr. Smalley is the director of research and development at Smalley Relationship Center in Branson, Missouri. He lives in Ozark, Missouri with his wife, Erin, and their two daughters, Taylor and Madalyn.
Dr. Greg Smalley graduated with his doctorate degree in clinical psychology from Rosemead School of Psychology at Biola University in Southern California. He also holds master's degrees in counseling psychology (Denver Seminary) and clinical psychology (Rosemead). Dr. Smalley is the director of research and development at Smalley Relationship Center in Branson, Missouri. He lives in Ozark, Missouri with his wife, Erin, and their two daughters, Taylor and Madalyn.
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Displaying 1 - 24 of 24 reviews
December 30, 2019
Half way through this book I had it figured out.
Rule 1: If there is a problem, it is the man’s fault.
Rule 2: For all other cases see rule number 1.
But having finished the book that isn’t quite what he says. I went back to see where he said it, and he never comes out and says it. He does challenge someone to disprove it. The man tried, but did not succeed. Smalley demonstrated in every case that he had caused the problems which he was blaming on his wife.
The book has many examples of where the man hurt their marriage through his insensitivity, and how that just does not work. And for balance, there are also examples of doing things right. There are tables and questionnaires to help the reader realize that the man needs to take responsibility for the health of the marriage.
So stated in another way:
If there is a problem in the marriage, it is the man’s responsibility to take ownership of the problem, listen, understand, apologize, and make it right. Trying to force the issue by criticism, etc makes it worse. So to summarize the book in one sentence:
Rule 1: The man is responsible for the quality of the marriage.
--------------------------
A few notes from the book:
1. Your wife needs to feel that she is very valuable in your life. more important than your mother, your children, your friends, your secretary, and your job.
2. When your wife is stressed out and hurting, she needs to know that you are willing to share an intimate moment of comfort without demanding explanations or giving lectures.
3. She needs open unobstructed communication.
4. She needs to be praised so she can feel a valuable part of your life.
5. She needs to feel free to help you without fearing retaliation and anger.
6. She needs to know that you will defend and protect her.
7. She needs to know that her opinion is so valuable that you will discus decisions with her, and act only after carefully evaluating her advice.
8. She needs to share her life with you in every area - home, family, and outside interests.
9. She needs you to be the kind of man her son can follow and her daughter would want to marry.
10. She needs to be tenderly held often, just to be near you apart from times of sexual intimacy.
When her needs are met, a woman gains security and glows with a sense of well-being. Some of her glow will rub off on you, especially if you are responsible for it in the first place.
Rule 1: If there is a problem, it is the man’s fault.
Rule 2: For all other cases see rule number 1.
But having finished the book that isn’t quite what he says. I went back to see where he said it, and he never comes out and says it. He does challenge someone to disprove it. The man tried, but did not succeed. Smalley demonstrated in every case that he had caused the problems which he was blaming on his wife.
The book has many examples of where the man hurt their marriage through his insensitivity, and how that just does not work. And for balance, there are also examples of doing things right. There are tables and questionnaires to help the reader realize that the man needs to take responsibility for the health of the marriage.
So stated in another way:
If there is a problem in the marriage, it is the man’s responsibility to take ownership of the problem, listen, understand, apologize, and make it right. Trying to force the issue by criticism, etc makes it worse. So to summarize the book in one sentence:
Rule 1: The man is responsible for the quality of the marriage.
--------------------------
A few notes from the book:
1. Your wife needs to feel that she is very valuable in your life. more important than your mother, your children, your friends, your secretary, and your job.
2. When your wife is stressed out and hurting, she needs to know that you are willing to share an intimate moment of comfort without demanding explanations or giving lectures.
3. She needs open unobstructed communication.
4. She needs to be praised so she can feel a valuable part of your life.
5. She needs to feel free to help you without fearing retaliation and anger.
6. She needs to know that you will defend and protect her.
7. She needs to know that her opinion is so valuable that you will discus decisions with her, and act only after carefully evaluating her advice.
8. She needs to share her life with you in every area - home, family, and outside interests.
9. She needs you to be the kind of man her son can follow and her daughter would want to marry.
10. She needs to be tenderly held often, just to be near you apart from times of sexual intimacy.
When her needs are met, a woman gains security and glows with a sense of well-being. Some of her glow will rub off on you, especially if you are responsible for it in the first place.
September 5, 2014
I typically like to read at least one book on marriage per year. I'm not a great husband and I need lots of help! If Only He Knew has been sitting on our bookshelf for a long time, and I never read it because the books is so old (written in 1979) and I just assumed that newer marriage books are better than old ones. Gary Smalley does a great job at addressing my issues though. I struggle with anger, being argumentative, and critical, and Smalley hits them all. He uses a ton of stories and examples from his life and from people that he's counseled to drive home his points. This makes the book a very easy read. He also has a few homework projects for the wives to do so that the husband can better understand what his wife wants/needs. I recommend this oldie, but goodie to everyone.
Favorite quotes:
p. 42 - "Wives need proof of change over a consistent period of time in at least three areas before they believe their husband's commitment."
p. 49 - "Remember, when a wife feels she is the most important, she gets excited about her husband being able to do the things he wants to do."
p. 66 - "If your wife is depressed, it may or may not be something you've contributed to - but it is always your responsibility to help."
p. 91 - "Harsh words can stay with a woman for years."
p. 100 - "The main problem that we men have to overcome is our lack of knowledge and skills to nurture our wives to a level from which we can enjoy a growing, loving, and intimate relationship with them."
p. 148 - "Committing ourselves to agree has brought more harmony and deeper communication than anything else we practice. It has increased my wife's self-worth and eliminated pressure-packed arguments."
Favorite quotes:
p. 42 - "Wives need proof of change over a consistent period of time in at least three areas before they believe their husband's commitment."
p. 49 - "Remember, when a wife feels she is the most important, she gets excited about her husband being able to do the things he wants to do."
p. 66 - "If your wife is depressed, it may or may not be something you've contributed to - but it is always your responsibility to help."
p. 91 - "Harsh words can stay with a woman for years."
p. 100 - "The main problem that we men have to overcome is our lack of knowledge and skills to nurture our wives to a level from which we can enjoy a growing, loving, and intimate relationship with them."
p. 148 - "Committing ourselves to agree has brought more harmony and deeper communication than anything else we practice. It has increased my wife's self-worth and eliminated pressure-packed arguments."
June 9, 2008
This is a fairly old book, but I still feel like Smalley's advice to husbands is priceless in this book. Read up men!
October 31, 2013
Best humanly written book ever for men. Needs to be in AUDIO though. Update ~ Guess what?! Now (2013) it IS in Audio!
November 2, 2014
True stuff, but too simplistic and generalizing for my taste. A bit patronizing and quite patronizing in style. But a lot of good recommendations.
February 1, 2020
My Fiance and I read this together and can both highly recommend it. It is insightful into both men and women and helpful for understanding your other half more, and even if you have a good relationship or marriage there are sure to be parts that are helpful. It was easy to read and understand and though some analogies may not have been the best Gary Smalley shared openly and honestly through out the book.
And yes this book is directed at the men hence why there is a companion book directed at women which so far had been good to read together too. I think if possible reading them together can be great because of all the conversations that can spark and then topics can be discussed on a personal level as well as general.
And yes this book is directed at the men hence why there is a companion book directed at women which so far had been good to read together too. I think if possible reading them together can be great because of all the conversations that can spark and then topics can be discussed on a personal level as well as general.
March 5, 2022
I'm grown woman now, i just read this book if ever.
"Where have all the feelings gone?
"But the greatest of these is love" It's about understanding oneselves. When sandi decided to leave jim, since they believe themselves to be sensible, and maturity, they think it's the best way to do. However, they are just lack of knowledge and interest in building they marriage relationship.
"Where have all the feelings gone?
"But the greatest of these is love" It's about understanding oneselves. When sandi decided to leave jim, since they believe themselves to be sensible, and maturity, they think it's the best way to do. However, they are just lack of knowledge and interest in building they marriage relationship.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
December 18, 2018
Entertaining and helpful but then I am not a man and it is clearly for men. I agree with most of it from experience and found it encouraging.
Currently reading
August 10, 2021Want to read book
August 11, 2021
Marriage counseling
September 5, 2021
a must read for any men
March 12, 2017
I find any book that shifts my mindset in a positive way I consider it an assets. Multiple golden nuggets highly recommend if your serious about improving your relationship
May 4, 2008
One of the very good resources my wife and I use when we counsel with couples regarding their marriage.
December 17, 2008
Someone recently lent me this book, he wants my opinion on it. So I'll get back to ya'll on this one.
August 26, 2008
Practical answers to the differences in men and women.
February 23, 2009
every male should read to become a men for his wife!
Read
April 17, 2009If Only He Knew by Gary Smalley/ Norma Smalley (?)
February 19, 2012
Again this writer - therapist knows his stuff. This book is for the man to read but I would advise all woman to read it. I learned alot about myself as well as the way I affect my marriage.
November 11, 2009
Marriage counseling
Currently reading
December 7, 2010So far I'm learning that possibly IM the cause of all problems :-(
August 6, 2015
A how to understand women book for men. I still need more training.
February 5, 2016
Smalley is spot-on in marital relationships. Any of his books or videos are worth reading and/or watching.
November 14, 2008
Excellent book.
Read
December 12, 2018I recommend this book to EVERY man and even women as well! It gives a Biblical point of view, along with psychology, life experience etc on helping men understand women better and learn to treat them better! Treat her as if she has VIP stamped on her forehead! The only person that should be above your lady is GOD, no one else, not even children, she is second only to GOOD!
Displaying 1 - 24 of 24 reviews