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7 Myths about Singleness
If marriage shows us the shape of the gospel, singleness shows us its sufficiency . Much of what we commonly assume about singleness―that it is primarily about the absence of good things like intimacy, family, or meaningful ministry―is either flat-out untrue or, at the very least, shouldn’t be true. To be single, we often think, is to be alone and spiritually hindered. But the Bible paints a very different picture of it is a positive gift and blessing from God. This book seeks to help Christians―married and unmarried alike―value singleness as a gift from God so that we can all encourage singles to take hold of the unique opportunities their singleness affords and see their role in the flourishing of the church as a whole.
176 pages, Paperback
First published February 1, 2019
About the author
Sam Allberry
30 books236 followersSam comes from Sevenoaks in Kent, but studied theology at Wycliffe Hall in Oxford, and has since worked at St Ebbe's Church, Oxford, and now serves at a church in Maidenhead. Hobbies include reading, watching The West Wing and anything to do with South-East Asia.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 518 reviews
May 1, 2019
This book shook me. Me, a married man of ten years. In reading it, I had to repent every few pages, not just for the bad theology and practices I had back when I was single, but for the way I think about and treat singles today.
Let me make a strong statement: If you are a lead pastor, you should be required to read this and make sure the elders of the church do so too. Yes, it's that important and good.
Honestly, I didn't expect much from this book upon picking it up. This is nothing against the author. I love Allberry's work. But between the title, cover, and subject matter, I didn't think this book would be "for me" so to say. However, I was dead wrong. Sometimes without even realizing it, I have thought of singleness as something that causes someone to be incomplete in some way. But Allberry destroys this thinking early on:
Allberry pushes throughout the book that single people have an important place in the church, more than helping out with childcare. And the church should realize how to best disciple, love, and encourage singles, especially since singleness is something that can happen later in life too (widow, etc). This truly is a book I wish ALL Christians would read. Our singles are worth it. However, this is not just a book about singleness, it's a book about the gospel:
Currently, this book easily has a place on my "Five Favorite Books of 2019" list. It's such a concise, concentrated treatment on an important issue that there are FEW good resources for.
I recommend this book heartily. No matter who you are or what status you find yourself in life relationship-wise, read this book. It will only help and encourage you.
Let me make a strong statement: If you are a lead pastor, you should be required to read this and make sure the elders of the church do so too. Yes, it's that important and good.
Honestly, I didn't expect much from this book upon picking it up. This is nothing against the author. I love Allberry's work. But between the title, cover, and subject matter, I didn't think this book would be "for me" so to say. However, I was dead wrong. Sometimes without even realizing it, I have thought of singleness as something that causes someone to be incomplete in some way. But Allberry destroys this thinking early on:
"[Jesus] is the most complete and fully human person who ever lived. So his not being married is not incidental. It shows us that none of these things-marriage, romantic fulfillment, sexual experience-is intrinsic to being a full human being. The moment we say otherwise, the moment we claim a life of celibacy to be dehumanizing, we are implying that Jesus himself is only subhuman."
Allberry pushes throughout the book that single people have an important place in the church, more than helping out with childcare. And the church should realize how to best disciple, love, and encourage singles, especially since singleness is something that can happen later in life too (widow, etc). This truly is a book I wish ALL Christians would read. Our singles are worth it. However, this is not just a book about singleness, it's a book about the gospel:
"If marriage shows us the shape of the gospel, singleness shows us its sufficiency."
Currently, this book easily has a place on my "Five Favorite Books of 2019" list. It's such a concise, concentrated treatment on an important issue that there are FEW good resources for.
I recommend this book heartily. No matter who you are or what status you find yourself in life relationship-wise, read this book. It will only help and encourage you.
May 21, 2019
Wow. That's the first word I can think of when reviewing this book. I am a happily single Christian, but there are still so many questions I have about singleness that are never discussed in the church. Can I be honest? I have been very disappointed in the church in general for its treatment of singles and the single lifestyle. I often feel looked down upon or like I don't fit in or that something's wrong with me. But this book totally validated everything I've felt in my heart but didn't know how to express. Here's the thing though. This isn't a book that bashes marriage to make singles feel better. I love that it values BOTH. Some comparisons need to be made, but ultimately there are good things about being single and good things about being married. There are challenging things about being single and challenging things about being married. It's so important that neither marginalize the other, but it's time someone actually stood up for single Christians a little bit and acknowledged that their lives are just as important as their married counterparts.
It means so much to have someone who actually understands what it's like and addresses all the concerns singles might have. Sam talks about the needs for emotional intimacy (that's not a bad word, folks), the vital importance of friendship, how needs for family can be met as a single, the danger of becoming selfish, whether or not our sexuality is wasted (spoiler: it's not), and more. But the final chapter on the myth that singleness is easy nearly made me cry as finally someone truly got what it feels like, the hurt that can be felt, when your friends don't need you as much as you need them.
I don't like to gush, but thank you, Sam, for writing this book. I have a lot to ponder.
It means so much to have someone who actually understands what it's like and addresses all the concerns singles might have. Sam talks about the needs for emotional intimacy (that's not a bad word, folks), the vital importance of friendship, how needs for family can be met as a single, the danger of becoming selfish, whether or not our sexuality is wasted (spoiler: it's not), and more. But the final chapter on the myth that singleness is easy nearly made me cry as finally someone truly got what it feels like, the hurt that can be felt, when your friends don't need you as much as you need them.
I don't like to gush, but thank you, Sam, for writing this book. I have a lot to ponder.
January 17, 2020
I’m not sure how to review this book.
It was very encouraging to read of others who have dealt with the same things in their singleness as I have. I'm not alone, or as the author put it, "an endangered species in a world of married people."
This book doesn’t claim that singleness is better than married life, nor does it say it’s harder. It points out challenges in each, and shows how marriage or singleness should point to Christ.
There were great reminders in this book that Christ is our ultimate satisfaction not man, not desires. It’s easy to get caught up in the thought that something must be wrong with us if we are not married by a certain age, but this book shines a different light on it. It deals with so much and in a way that encourages and challenges.
I would recommend it to others.
It was very encouraging to read of others who have dealt with the same things in their singleness as I have. I'm not alone, or as the author put it, "an endangered species in a world of married people."
This book doesn’t claim that singleness is better than married life, nor does it say it’s harder. It points out challenges in each, and shows how marriage or singleness should point to Christ.
There were great reminders in this book that Christ is our ultimate satisfaction not man, not desires. It’s easy to get caught up in the thought that something must be wrong with us if we are not married by a certain age, but this book shines a different light on it. It deals with so much and in a way that encourages and challenges.
I would recommend it to others.
December 24, 2022
I recommended this book and then thought “I actually don’t remember this super well.” As I started reading it I realized I definitely had never read it before lol. But I would still recommend so it worked out!!
May 2, 2019
Actual rating: 4.5 stars
Initial thoughts: Growing up as part of the generation of Christians shaped by the (in)famous book, I Kissed Dating Goodbye, I found 7 Myths about Singleness quite refreshing. It doesn't put being single on a pedestal but neither does it vilify it. It refers to biblical teachings on why one would/should choose to remain single or to marry. At the same time, it explores modern experiences and reactions to choosing one or the other in a way that's relatable.
For example, being single means having more flexibility and freedom to respond immediately to others when they need help. For the author, a pastor, it means he can minister further away from home, without needing to concern himself about being an absent father. On the flip side, being single can give way to loneliness and yearning for companionship.
Of all the myths Sam Allberry covered, I most enjoyed his point that being single doesn't mean giving up family. Family can take shape in many forms, and doesn't only refer to the nuclear family. Family extends to relatives, godparents, friends, neighbours, fellow church members, etc who have a stake in the lives of others. If you help someone raise their child, if you invite others over to cook and provide meals for them, or even if you're so close, you can spend an afternoon in complete silence over an activity because you're all caught up about the happenings in one another's lives, you're family.
Initial thoughts: Growing up as part of the generation of Christians shaped by the (in)famous book, I Kissed Dating Goodbye, I found 7 Myths about Singleness quite refreshing. It doesn't put being single on a pedestal but neither does it vilify it. It refers to biblical teachings on why one would/should choose to remain single or to marry. At the same time, it explores modern experiences and reactions to choosing one or the other in a way that's relatable.
For example, being single means having more flexibility and freedom to respond immediately to others when they need help. For the author, a pastor, it means he can minister further away from home, without needing to concern himself about being an absent father. On the flip side, being single can give way to loneliness and yearning for companionship.
Of all the myths Sam Allberry covered, I most enjoyed his point that being single doesn't mean giving up family. Family can take shape in many forms, and doesn't only refer to the nuclear family. Family extends to relatives, godparents, friends, neighbours, fellow church members, etc who have a stake in the lives of others. If you help someone raise their child, if you invite others over to cook and provide meals for them, or even if you're so close, you can spend an afternoon in complete silence over an activity because you're all caught up about the happenings in one another's lives, you're family.
May 26, 2022
“If marriage shows us the gospel, singleness shows us the sufficiency of it.” I’d highly recommend this to my married and unmarried friends. Im thankful for Sam’s honesty and transparency throughout this book. He tenderly voiced many complex things I think and feel, and pointed to the glory of God in each. He doesn’t just narrow in on the unmarried; he challenges the friend, the family, the neighbor, and the body of Christ. Though it’s mostly about singleness, I think everyone would benefit from this. It’s a gracious way to learn how to love others well. More than anything, it tuned my heart to the sufficiency of Christ.
March 24, 2023
10/10 recommend this book! Anyone struggling with how to think about singleness, whether you are single, married, or dating should read this book. We all have ideas about singleness and things that we believe that just aren't true. This book gave me a whole new perspective on singleness and how God views it!
February 16, 2019
The issue is not whether this path or that path is better, whether singleness or marriage will bring more fulfillment and good. The issue is God and whether we abide in him and are trusting him every day.
Do not be fooled that this book is for singles. I have been married for over 30 years and these myths about singleness tells me more about the gospel and really about my own marriage then most marriage books. The first question you are faced with is do you value singleness. Not in what the cultural would but in the way God would. Celibacy is big and it is big in marriage as well. How we view sex and the genders reflects on how we view God and creation. I loved his quote on celibacy. Celibacy isn't a waste of our sexuality, it's a wonderful way of fulfilling it. It's allowing our sexual feelings to point us to the reality of the gospel. We will never ultimately make sense of what our sexuality is unless we know what it is for. To point us to God's love for us in Christ.
The comparisons of Singleness and Marriage is another gospel issue that is dealt with. Marriage and singleness both have a place n the gospel. One shows the shape of the gospel and the other shows us its sufficiency. It is sad and hurtful to the body of believers when one is raised above the other. It is important to invite singles into the lives of married couples and in the church in general.
The value of spiritual friendship is key to both married and singles. It deals with intimacy that we all seek and need to grow. Spiritual friendship does not need sex to fulfill the need for intimacy. It is like the notion we can live by bread alone. There are some that have the sex but not the intimacy. The ones that have the intimacy but not the sex are probably more alive and attuned to others than their counter parts. Being known and accepted is part of intimacy that deals with trust and vulnerability that you cannot receive with just sex. The whole chapter on Spiritual Friendship is worth the read alone.
So whatever your martial status, if you are a follower of Christ, this book will bring light into your heart. Highly recommend.
A Special Thank you to Crossway Publishing and Netgalley for the ARC and the opportunity to post an honest review.
Do not be fooled that this book is for singles. I have been married for over 30 years and these myths about singleness tells me more about the gospel and really about my own marriage then most marriage books. The first question you are faced with is do you value singleness. Not in what the cultural would but in the way God would. Celibacy is big and it is big in marriage as well. How we view sex and the genders reflects on how we view God and creation. I loved his quote on celibacy. Celibacy isn't a waste of our sexuality, it's a wonderful way of fulfilling it. It's allowing our sexual feelings to point us to the reality of the gospel. We will never ultimately make sense of what our sexuality is unless we know what it is for. To point us to God's love for us in Christ.
The comparisons of Singleness and Marriage is another gospel issue that is dealt with. Marriage and singleness both have a place n the gospel. One shows the shape of the gospel and the other shows us its sufficiency. It is sad and hurtful to the body of believers when one is raised above the other. It is important to invite singles into the lives of married couples and in the church in general.
The value of spiritual friendship is key to both married and singles. It deals with intimacy that we all seek and need to grow. Spiritual friendship does not need sex to fulfill the need for intimacy. It is like the notion we can live by bread alone. There are some that have the sex but not the intimacy. The ones that have the intimacy but not the sex are probably more alive and attuned to others than their counter parts. Being known and accepted is part of intimacy that deals with trust and vulnerability that you cannot receive with just sex. The whole chapter on Spiritual Friendship is worth the read alone.
So whatever your martial status, if you are a follower of Christ, this book will bring light into your heart. Highly recommend.
A Special Thank you to Crossway Publishing and Netgalley for the ARC and the opportunity to post an honest review.
December 29, 2023
Whether single or un-single, you should read this!
“If marriage shows us the shape of the gospel, singleness shows us its sufficiency.”
“If marriage shows us the shape of the gospel, singleness shows us its sufficiency.”
August 27, 2022
Wow. Highly recommend for both singles and married alike! Thank you for showing a shift in the Christian mindset of what it is to be single, Mr. Allberry.
April 28, 2023
This book not only widened my perspective on singleness, but also marriage. Both are difficult in ways we often do not think about/see. This book does a great job at debunking myths/societal beliefs about singleness and points to scripture for them all. It’s definitely opened my eyes and shifted my thinking about singleness!
November 14, 2021
Much to the disagreement of everyone else who read this book, I was neither encouraged nor empowered by its content.
I got a few things out of it, and I highlighted several things for later, but overall I found this to be your typical over-spiritualized pandering to why you should enjoy singleness.
Guess what. I don't have to enjoy it. And I don't think God forces people to be single OR married. The chapter on sexuality particularly annoyed me. I am so tired of Christian authors telling single people that their sexual desires "point to the unfulfilled longing for Heaven". 🙄 Who is telling this to married people? Why is this so over-spiritualized? How about your body is in your mid-20s and has hormones and it is meant to drive you to get married and have families?
Sighhhh
There was also a chapter on how the author is treated by his married friends as a single person that resonated with me. Like how it distinctly feels like your married friends don't need you as much as you need them, and weddings feel like a demotion.
However... I don't think this behavior by married people is okay nor should be acceptable in the Church. (This is AFTER his entire chapter on how we are all the family of God and we should live in community together). Single people in the church should not have to suck it up and just take whatever mistreatment their married friends throw at them just because they are married. Why aren't married people being called to get out of their marital blissful bubble and actually make effort for other people for once? (Can you tell I am a little bitter about this?)
People that are not Christians have this whole singleness thing so simplified. If you want a relationship, you can find a good one. If you want to get married, there's no reason why you can't. But for some reason, singleness is so overspiritualized in the church to the point of it becoming a state that is imposed on you by God, and therefore unchangable by anything you could do.
I DID, however, really enjoy his chapter on friendship. I think I highlighted every page of that one.
I got a few things out of it, and I highlighted several things for later, but overall I found this to be your typical over-spiritualized pandering to why you should enjoy singleness.
Guess what. I don't have to enjoy it. And I don't think God forces people to be single OR married. The chapter on sexuality particularly annoyed me. I am so tired of Christian authors telling single people that their sexual desires "point to the unfulfilled longing for Heaven". 🙄 Who is telling this to married people? Why is this so over-spiritualized? How about your body is in your mid-20s and has hormones and it is meant to drive you to get married and have families?
Sighhhh
There was also a chapter on how the author is treated by his married friends as a single person that resonated with me. Like how it distinctly feels like your married friends don't need you as much as you need them, and weddings feel like a demotion.
However... I don't think this behavior by married people is okay nor should be acceptable in the Church. (This is AFTER his entire chapter on how we are all the family of God and we should live in community together). Single people in the church should not have to suck it up and just take whatever mistreatment their married friends throw at them just because they are married. Why aren't married people being called to get out of their marital blissful bubble and actually make effort for other people for once? (Can you tell I am a little bitter about this?)
People that are not Christians have this whole singleness thing so simplified. If you want a relationship, you can find a good one. If you want to get married, there's no reason why you can't. But for some reason, singleness is so overspiritualized in the church to the point of it becoming a state that is imposed on you by God, and therefore unchangable by anything you could do.
I DID, however, really enjoy his chapter on friendship. I think I highlighted every page of that one.
February 9, 2020
Enriching and encouraging, well reasoned and well worded, seasoned with scripture and grace, this book changed many of my views that were molded at an early age by my childhood church and by culture in general, both Christian and secular.
June 9, 2022
I tagged teamed with this book, reading the hard copy and listening to the audio version when I couldn't read--a great system of efficiency!
Allberry writes/reads with deep warmth and honesty about the paradox of living well as a single in a culture where marriage and family are the norm. It's good and it's hard, he says. The way he names reality makes me trust him and his insights. Highly recommend!
Allberry writes/reads with deep warmth and honesty about the paradox of living well as a single in a culture where marriage and family are the norm. It's good and it's hard, he says. The way he names reality makes me trust him and his insights. Highly recommend!
April 14, 2024
Honestly fantastic. I feel like the title discredits this book a bit, and I wasn't really interested in a self helpy book for mopers. But wow, this was solid and refreshing, full of the author's honest insights.
All of us have been single, are single, are close friends with people who are single, or may be single again. In whichever stage, this book offers a challenging approach to life that is full of promise and hope if we truly consider it.
All of us have been single, are single, are close friends with people who are single, or may be single again. In whichever stage, this book offers a challenging approach to life that is full of promise and hope if we truly consider it.
December 26, 2022
3.5 stars. Some chapters were quite helpful and others were less so. Overall a good perspective of singleness and fighting lies that are easy to believe about it.
June 17, 2023
“if marriage shows us the shape of the Gospel, singleness shows us its sufficiency”
due to lots of reading about marriage and raising children b/c of my Marriage and Family class this semester, this book was a refreshing part of the curriculum
due to lots of reading about marriage and raising children b/c of my Marriage and Family class this semester, this book was a refreshing part of the curriculum
January 20, 2021
I seriously love this book. This is one of those books that every member of the church should read, whether you are currently single, married, or teaching on either. Also a great resource for those looking to learn more about authentic friendship!
August 15, 2022
If I am not content now, no marriage, friendship, relationship or circumstance will get me there.
Jesus’ sufficiency needs to be real and good to my heart - whatever relationship status I tick now or later - then I will be able to navigate my own life’s complexities, whatever they may be.
Thanks Sam.
Jesus’ sufficiency needs to be real and good to my heart - whatever relationship status I tick now or later - then I will be able to navigate my own life’s complexities, whatever they may be.
Thanks Sam.
April 10, 2020
"If marriage shows us the shape of the gospel, singleness shows us its sufficiency."
Honestly, I think this is one of the most important books I've ever read. Friends, I beg you to read it. Sam Alberry addresses the whole church, singles and married folks alike to discuss the dignity and value of singleness in the church. He graciously points out the ways that we functionally (and theologically) idolize marriage, and act as though singleness is at best a problem to be solved:
"Even the ways we describe singleness reflects this. It is almost always defined in the negative, as the absence of something. It's the state of not being married. It is the absence of a significant other. This defining by negation reinforces the idea that there is nothing intrinsically good about singleness, it is merely a situation of lacking what is intrinsically good in marriage." --p.12
Each chapter is designed to debunk a specific myth about singleness--whether its perceived as "too hard, " requiring a special calling," "precluding intimacy," "lacking family," "hindering ministry," "wasting your sexuality," or simply "easy," Allberry deftly explains what the gospel actually has to say about singleness.
"[Jesus] is the most complete and fully human person who ever lived. So his not being married is not incidental. It shows us that none of these things--marriage, romantic fulfillment, sexual experience--is intrinsic to being a full human being. The moment we say otherwise, the moment we claim a life of celibacy to be dehumanizing, we are implying that Jesus himself is only subhuman." --p. 25
"If at some point you find your marriage is a disappointment to you, please bear in mind that's because it's supposed to be. It's not meant to fulfill you, but to point you to the thing that does." --p. 114
I could list quotes all day--ones that put words to the things I see, hear, and feel as a single in the Church, and uses them to point us all back to the gospel. The church is a family, a body, designed to work together for the glory of God.
"We're invested in one another, and therefore I need to know what the Christian life is like for you in your situation, and you need to know what it's like for me in mine. .
..it shows me that as a single person, I have a stake in the health of the marriages in my church family. And those who are married have a stake in the health of my singleness." --p.15
It's a stunning book, honestly. Certainly any church leader interested in ministering well to the singles in their local congregation should absolutely read it, but truthfully, I wish everyone would. I felt seen, heard, and dignified in ways I never have before, and all rooted in truth. I cried during the last chapter, where he outlines some of the unique difficulties of singleness, because I'd never heard someone say them out loud before
"When such friends move (and if you'll excuse the cliche) it feels like they're taking a bit of my home with them. And when this happens a number of times over successive years, I feel like I'm Voldemort with relational horcruxes scattered all over the place." --p.135
"But whatever the reason, it [friends moving] is another way of reminding us that however close our friendship is, it's not close enough to make someone think twice about upping sticks and moving off....the family goes. You stay. That's the deal."
But even after outlining some of the deepest hurts, he points us back to our God who is faithful, no matter life's uncertainties, single or married. It's a beautiful book. I couldn't help but write one of my longest reviews ever. It deserves it. Please read it.
Honestly, I think this is one of the most important books I've ever read. Friends, I beg you to read it. Sam Alberry addresses the whole church, singles and married folks alike to discuss the dignity and value of singleness in the church. He graciously points out the ways that we functionally (and theologically) idolize marriage, and act as though singleness is at best a problem to be solved:
"Even the ways we describe singleness reflects this. It is almost always defined in the negative, as the absence of something. It's the state of not being married. It is the absence of a significant other. This defining by negation reinforces the idea that there is nothing intrinsically good about singleness, it is merely a situation of lacking what is intrinsically good in marriage." --p.12
Each chapter is designed to debunk a specific myth about singleness--whether its perceived as "too hard, " requiring a special calling," "precluding intimacy," "lacking family," "hindering ministry," "wasting your sexuality," or simply "easy," Allberry deftly explains what the gospel actually has to say about singleness.
"[Jesus] is the most complete and fully human person who ever lived. So his not being married is not incidental. It shows us that none of these things--marriage, romantic fulfillment, sexual experience--is intrinsic to being a full human being. The moment we say otherwise, the moment we claim a life of celibacy to be dehumanizing, we are implying that Jesus himself is only subhuman." --p. 25
"If at some point you find your marriage is a disappointment to you, please bear in mind that's because it's supposed to be. It's not meant to fulfill you, but to point you to the thing that does." --p. 114
I could list quotes all day--ones that put words to the things I see, hear, and feel as a single in the Church, and uses them to point us all back to the gospel. The church is a family, a body, designed to work together for the glory of God.
"We're invested in one another, and therefore I need to know what the Christian life is like for you in your situation, and you need to know what it's like for me in mine. .
..it shows me that as a single person, I have a stake in the health of the marriages in my church family. And those who are married have a stake in the health of my singleness." --p.15
It's a stunning book, honestly. Certainly any church leader interested in ministering well to the singles in their local congregation should absolutely read it, but truthfully, I wish everyone would. I felt seen, heard, and dignified in ways I never have before, and all rooted in truth. I cried during the last chapter, where he outlines some of the unique difficulties of singleness, because I'd never heard someone say them out loud before
"When such friends move (and if you'll excuse the cliche) it feels like they're taking a bit of my home with them. And when this happens a number of times over successive years, I feel like I'm Voldemort with relational horcruxes scattered all over the place." --p.135
"But whatever the reason, it [friends moving] is another way of reminding us that however close our friendship is, it's not close enough to make someone think twice about upping sticks and moving off....the family goes. You stay. That's the deal."
But even after outlining some of the deepest hurts, he points us back to our God who is faithful, no matter life's uncertainties, single or married. It's a beautiful book. I couldn't help but write one of my longest reviews ever. It deserves it. Please read it.
June 6, 2020
Excellent book! Every Christian should read this book; don’t let the title deter you. (In fact I don’t really like the title. I don’t think it does the book justice. But I don’t have a better one to offer just yet.) The author provides a clear, Biblical view on marriage and singleness and how both reflect God’s character and plan. He also candidly shares his struggles with singleness and a perspective of Biblical friendship similar to that which Rosario Butterfield promotes in her book “The Gospel Comes with a House Key.” This book is warm and even entertaining, and brought tears to my eyes as well as “amens” to my lips.
May 28, 2023
I think if all Christians, married and single, would read this book and Tim Keller's The Meaning of Marriage we could all grow in understanding each other, imaging God, celebrating His good gifts, and being satisfied in Christ. Definitely recommend.
February 3, 2023
THANK YOU, Sam Allberry, for writing a realistic, non-patronizing book on singleness that is both theologically accurate and practical. This is a book that is not just helpful for singles (and not-yet-marrieds), but for married brothers and sisters who want to understand and care for their single friends well. "7 Myths about Singleness" provides a balanced look at the real challenges of singleness in our modern age, while also recognizing the unique blessings wrapped in it, all the while extolling our Great God who showers us with gifts in every season.
January 18, 2024
I don’t recommend reading this. Still, I do think Allberry is genuine in his desire to be helpful, and I appreciate that and commend him for writing on the topic. But, while there are many comments I agree with throughout, the underlying foundation for those comments is not something I resonate with, or think is proper. Read on for my rationale, if you’d like.
If I remember correctly, I acquired this book in 2019. As my views on singleness have changed since then, my impressions of this book would be very different had I read it then instead of now.
The reason I don’t recommend this book is Allberry uses a definition of the gift of singleness that I think is incorrect. This is significant because whether or not the “myths” Allberry presents are truly myths depends on how the gift of singleness is defined. First, Allberry defines the state of singleness as “being both unmarried and committed (for as long as we remain unmarried) to sexual abstinence.” This definition is satisfactory. The gift of singleness, though, is asserted to be the state of singleness, i.e., the gift of singleness, also, is “being both unmarried and committed (for as long as we remain unmarried) to sexual abstinence.” Allberry states the time available for building up the church in ministry is what makes the state of singleness a gift.
The definition I’ve adopted for the gift of singleness and, more importantly, what I think the Apostle Paul intends to say in 1 Cor. 7 is exactly what Allberry argues (unconvincingly) against, that the gift of singleness is “some special capacity to cope with [the state of singleness].” I appreciate his acknowledgement of the disagreement on the definition among Christians, but I offer what I think is a more precise definition: the gift of singleness is a God-given disposition to live a life in singleness as naturally as someone who is married (i.e., someone who is gifted in passion) lives a life in marriage.
It is beyond the scope of this review to offer a complete analysis of 1 Cor. 7 and Mt. 19, but Paul acknowledges each person is gifted corresponding to the will of God and instructs his readers according to their gift. Those who are gifted in passion should seek marriage, lest they “burn” (sin). On the other hand, those who are gifted in singleness have a degree of passion within their self-control, or no passion at all - they are gifted in celibacy - and these people should not marry because they would defile the marriage bed in the withholding of their spouse’s conjugal rights. Christ acknowledges this is a difficult thing and most cannot live in this manner.
It is true, and I agree with Allberry, that the work of Christ restores the dignity of singleness, but this restoration does not abrogate the God-given nature of Man to be fruitful in pursuit of having dominion on the earth. Singleness is not restored for everyone (“for” in the sense that it should be desired by everyone). In a post-Fall world, grace perfects nature - in Christ, you can pursue God-honoring marriage or God-honoring singleness and succeed! I agree with Allberry that this should be your goal as a Christian, but your pursuits should be according to your gift.
So, someone who is single, and knows themselves not to be gifted in singleness, according to the definition I hold to, knows what Allberry presents as “myths” to be daily realities (the final myth presented is an exception). In a grand, theological sense, every thing and circumstance God gives a Christian is a blessing, working for our good. There is a degree of contentment and trust we should have in God’s promise. But God, giving Adam the gift of passion on the sixth day, recognized it was not good for him to be alone and gave him Eve. For singles who are gifted in passion, their singleness is not a gift, but a trial.
This is why many singles are discouraged by their church’s teaching and counseling on the topic. Other trials in the church, such as divorce, medical emergencies, family deaths, and unemployment, are seen as trials and are addressed by the congregation as trials causing suffering upon the brothers experiencing them. But in response to singleness, singles are told their trial is a gift, that marriage is really hard (or other statements that diminish the glory of marriage), that they are making an idol of marriage, that they should be content in their trial (possibly implying their suffering is caused by immaturity in their faith), that they have more time to serve in their church (without discussing if the single man or woman is equipped by God with the skills and desire to serve their church, that their ministry would be fruitful), and few rally to them to help ease their burden. It is not surprising that many singles, especially young singles who recognize they are in the best years of their lives to have and raise children, are frustrated.
This book echoes the typical, over-spiritualized commentary. For example, in the appendix - the obviously practical portion of the book, entitled “four ways to avoid sexual temptation” - Allberry’s third tactic is, in summary, to enjoy the sexual union with your spouse. This is Biblical advice. But Allberry overlooks applying Paul’s teaching of marriage as an escape from temptation to passion-gifted (i.e., most) singles. Instead of exhorting singles to seek marriage as a relief from temptation, his guidance to singles, specifically, is, “we need to pray for the marriages around us… [and ask] married friends how we can support them… we need to… [live] lives of purity. And we need to uphold the marriage we have in Christ.” While I agree with the advice, it is not the full application of Biblical teaching, and that’s why it’s unsatisfying.
If you’ve read this book and found it helpful, I’m glad and I don’t want to take that away from you. Thankfully, even if we disagree on a definition, there are many other things we can agree on. But I do think how we define the gift is critical, and Allberry’s definition of the gift prevents this book from being as helpful as it could be otherwise.
If I remember correctly, I acquired this book in 2019. As my views on singleness have changed since then, my impressions of this book would be very different had I read it then instead of now.
The reason I don’t recommend this book is Allberry uses a definition of the gift of singleness that I think is incorrect. This is significant because whether or not the “myths” Allberry presents are truly myths depends on how the gift of singleness is defined. First, Allberry defines the state of singleness as “being both unmarried and committed (for as long as we remain unmarried) to sexual abstinence.” This definition is satisfactory. The gift of singleness, though, is asserted to be the state of singleness, i.e., the gift of singleness, also, is “being both unmarried and committed (for as long as we remain unmarried) to sexual abstinence.” Allberry states the time available for building up the church in ministry is what makes the state of singleness a gift.
The definition I’ve adopted for the gift of singleness and, more importantly, what I think the Apostle Paul intends to say in 1 Cor. 7 is exactly what Allberry argues (unconvincingly) against, that the gift of singleness is “some special capacity to cope with [the state of singleness].” I appreciate his acknowledgement of the disagreement on the definition among Christians, but I offer what I think is a more precise definition: the gift of singleness is a God-given disposition to live a life in singleness as naturally as someone who is married (i.e., someone who is gifted in passion) lives a life in marriage.
It is beyond the scope of this review to offer a complete analysis of 1 Cor. 7 and Mt. 19, but Paul acknowledges each person is gifted corresponding to the will of God and instructs his readers according to their gift. Those who are gifted in passion should seek marriage, lest they “burn” (sin). On the other hand, those who are gifted in singleness have a degree of passion within their self-control, or no passion at all - they are gifted in celibacy - and these people should not marry because they would defile the marriage bed in the withholding of their spouse’s conjugal rights. Christ acknowledges this is a difficult thing and most cannot live in this manner.
It is true, and I agree with Allberry, that the work of Christ restores the dignity of singleness, but this restoration does not abrogate the God-given nature of Man to be fruitful in pursuit of having dominion on the earth. Singleness is not restored for everyone (“for” in the sense that it should be desired by everyone). In a post-Fall world, grace perfects nature - in Christ, you can pursue God-honoring marriage or God-honoring singleness and succeed! I agree with Allberry that this should be your goal as a Christian, but your pursuits should be according to your gift.
So, someone who is single, and knows themselves not to be gifted in singleness, according to the definition I hold to, knows what Allberry presents as “myths” to be daily realities (the final myth presented is an exception). In a grand, theological sense, every thing and circumstance God gives a Christian is a blessing, working for our good. There is a degree of contentment and trust we should have in God’s promise. But God, giving Adam the gift of passion on the sixth day, recognized it was not good for him to be alone and gave him Eve. For singles who are gifted in passion, their singleness is not a gift, but a trial.
This is why many singles are discouraged by their church’s teaching and counseling on the topic. Other trials in the church, such as divorce, medical emergencies, family deaths, and unemployment, are seen as trials and are addressed by the congregation as trials causing suffering upon the brothers experiencing them. But in response to singleness, singles are told their trial is a gift, that marriage is really hard (or other statements that diminish the glory of marriage), that they are making an idol of marriage, that they should be content in their trial (possibly implying their suffering is caused by immaturity in their faith), that they have more time to serve in their church (without discussing if the single man or woman is equipped by God with the skills and desire to serve their church, that their ministry would be fruitful), and few rally to them to help ease their burden. It is not surprising that many singles, especially young singles who recognize they are in the best years of their lives to have and raise children, are frustrated.
This book echoes the typical, over-spiritualized commentary. For example, in the appendix - the obviously practical portion of the book, entitled “four ways to avoid sexual temptation” - Allberry’s third tactic is, in summary, to enjoy the sexual union with your spouse. This is Biblical advice. But Allberry overlooks applying Paul’s teaching of marriage as an escape from temptation to passion-gifted (i.e., most) singles. Instead of exhorting singles to seek marriage as a relief from temptation, his guidance to singles, specifically, is, “we need to pray for the marriages around us… [and ask] married friends how we can support them… we need to… [live] lives of purity. And we need to uphold the marriage we have in Christ.” While I agree with the advice, it is not the full application of Biblical teaching, and that’s why it’s unsatisfying.
If you’ve read this book and found it helpful, I’m glad and I don’t want to take that away from you. Thankfully, even if we disagree on a definition, there are many other things we can agree on. But I do think how we define the gift is critical, and Allberry’s definition of the gift prevents this book from being as helpful as it could be otherwise.
February 8, 2021
This was very thought provoking, and ultimately a reminder of Christ’s sufficiency and how both marriage and singleness can be pictures of the gospel. It doesn’t make singleness easier, but served as a reminder not to idolize marriage. I think the church as a whole (including married people) could benefit from reading this and knowing how to love and serve singles well.
September 15, 2021
This is my favourite book I have read all year and far and away the best one Rohan has recommended to me. I cried my way through because Allberry's descriptions of intimate friendship and the church as family are so beautiful.
Allberry demonstrates the concurrent goodness and difficulties of both singleness and marriage throughout the Bible. Marriage brings opportunity for greater depth of intimacy, and singleness a greater breadth of intimacy. Marriage shows us the shape of the Gospel; singleness shows us its sufficiency. Ultimately, he says, our contentment and fulfilment can never come from friendships, romantic relationships or children. "Our deepest aches and yearnings for intimacy will only ultimately be met in Christ." In his anxieties around losing his friendships to distance or their increasing family demands, he finds hope in this mantra:
"God knows me more than I know myself. God loves me more than I love myself. God is more committed to my ultimate joy than I am. So I can trust him."
Allberry speaks of Jesus' promise to provide in this life family, houses and land x100 to those who have given up these things for his sake, and the fulfilment of this promise in the church. Some suggestions he gives to married Christians for showing deep friendship and hospitality, and being family to God's family:
- Give your friends a set of keys to your place
- Have your family holidays with your single friends
- If you have a spare room, use it liberally and consider having space there for your friends to leave some clothes and toiletries so they can stay more frequently and feel more at home
- Take and display photos of your friends, not just of your biological family
- Have your domestic disputes in front of your friends
- Include your friends in your normal jobs and life, including your kids' routines
- Initiate spending time together, rather than saying you are always available
- Visit your single friends in their houses
This book really challenged my perception that being friends with people who plan to have children means the friendship has an imminent expiry date, while confirming the asymmetric nature of most friendships between single and married people and the sobering truth that home is not secure for the single person if it is based on friendship. People move for financial and family reasons, but rarely (if ever) for friendship.
I highly recommend this for all Christians and will ask lots of my friends (and Mum!) to read it...
Allberry demonstrates the concurrent goodness and difficulties of both singleness and marriage throughout the Bible. Marriage brings opportunity for greater depth of intimacy, and singleness a greater breadth of intimacy. Marriage shows us the shape of the Gospel; singleness shows us its sufficiency. Ultimately, he says, our contentment and fulfilment can never come from friendships, romantic relationships or children. "Our deepest aches and yearnings for intimacy will only ultimately be met in Christ." In his anxieties around losing his friendships to distance or their increasing family demands, he finds hope in this mantra:
"God knows me more than I know myself. God loves me more than I love myself. God is more committed to my ultimate joy than I am. So I can trust him."
Allberry speaks of Jesus' promise to provide in this life family, houses and land x100 to those who have given up these things for his sake, and the fulfilment of this promise in the church. Some suggestions he gives to married Christians for showing deep friendship and hospitality, and being family to God's family:
- Give your friends a set of keys to your place
- Have your family holidays with your single friends
- If you have a spare room, use it liberally and consider having space there for your friends to leave some clothes and toiletries so they can stay more frequently and feel more at home
- Take and display photos of your friends, not just of your biological family
- Have your domestic disputes in front of your friends
- Include your friends in your normal jobs and life, including your kids' routines
- Initiate spending time together, rather than saying you are always available
- Visit your single friends in their houses
This book really challenged my perception that being friends with people who plan to have children means the friendship has an imminent expiry date, while confirming the asymmetric nature of most friendships between single and married people and the sobering truth that home is not secure for the single person if it is based on friendship. People move for financial and family reasons, but rarely (if ever) for friendship.
I highly recommend this for all Christians and will ask lots of my friends (and Mum!) to read it...
September 5, 2023
Wow. Every chapter of this just kept getting better and better. This is a super quick, easy read, and would bless you, regardless of if you are currently single or married.
Allberry leaves me so excited here about how, in Christ, we are a multicultural, multi-life stage, multi-life calling, multi-spiritual gifting, family of God. I walk away from this loving both the idea of singleness and the idea of marriage more. What a necessary, helpful, timely resource for the modern church. I would encourage anyone to read this, even if you think you’ve heard everything there is to be said on the topic, because I think he offers some fresh perspectives that are really interesting.
“Singleness doesn’t necessarily make someone better suited to church ministry. It is not better than being married, just as being married is not better than being single. God is so much smarter than we are. Someone like, say, Tim Keller would never have been so profoundly used by God were it not for his marriage to Kathy, who supports, sharpens, and grounds him. Nor would someone like, say, John Stott have been so profoundly used by God were it not for his singleness, enabling him to give himself so deeply to so many people in so many places. Just as marriage by itself isn’t a qualification for gospel ministry, so also singleness by itself isn’t a hindrance.”
“Throughout the history of the church, the pendulum has swung one way and then the other when it comes to whether marriage or singleness is most worthwhile or spiritual. Today there is little doubt which way it has swung: we have an enormous tendency to undervalue Biblical singleness in the church and wider culture.”
Allberry leaves me so excited here about how, in Christ, we are a multicultural, multi-life stage, multi-life calling, multi-spiritual gifting, family of God. I walk away from this loving both the idea of singleness and the idea of marriage more. What a necessary, helpful, timely resource for the modern church. I would encourage anyone to read this, even if you think you’ve heard everything there is to be said on the topic, because I think he offers some fresh perspectives that are really interesting.
“Singleness doesn’t necessarily make someone better suited to church ministry. It is not better than being married, just as being married is not better than being single. God is so much smarter than we are. Someone like, say, Tim Keller would never have been so profoundly used by God were it not for his marriage to Kathy, who supports, sharpens, and grounds him. Nor would someone like, say, John Stott have been so profoundly used by God were it not for his singleness, enabling him to give himself so deeply to so many people in so many places. Just as marriage by itself isn’t a qualification for gospel ministry, so also singleness by itself isn’t a hindrance.”
“Throughout the history of the church, the pendulum has swung one way and then the other when it comes to whether marriage or singleness is most worthwhile or spiritual. Today there is little doubt which way it has swung: we have an enormous tendency to undervalue Biblical singleness in the church and wider culture.”
March 29, 2024
“If marriage shows us the shape of the gospel, singleness shows us its sufficiency.”
I have read and listened to a lot of content put out by one christian outlet or church or another and nothing has come close to the reality, biblical perspective, and theological and practical meaningfulness as Allberry’s book. A brief and easy-to-maneuver-through 150 pages, this work could be beneficial to people who are, have been, have not been, desire to be, and might never be married within the church. It’s biblical at its base and practical in all layers. I’m thankful for a voice that sounds like my own and experiences that are familiar. I’m even more grateful for married friends who have read it and practice its theology from their season of life.
In short, from his conclusion:
When I started this project, my initial aim was to write about the goodness of singleness. It is often maligned or demeaned in the church today. I wanted to redress that. I still do, and I hope this book will help. But through it all I have been increasingly preoccupied with something else—not the goodness of singleness but the goodness of God. The issue is not whether this path or that path is better, whether singleness or marriage would bring me more good. The issue is God and whether I will plunge myself into him, trusting him every day.
I have read and listened to a lot of content put out by one christian outlet or church or another and nothing has come close to the reality, biblical perspective, and theological and practical meaningfulness as Allberry’s book. A brief and easy-to-maneuver-through 150 pages, this work could be beneficial to people who are, have been, have not been, desire to be, and might never be married within the church. It’s biblical at its base and practical in all layers. I’m thankful for a voice that sounds like my own and experiences that are familiar. I’m even more grateful for married friends who have read it and practice its theology from their season of life.
In short, from his conclusion:
When I started this project, my initial aim was to write about the goodness of singleness. It is often maligned or demeaned in the church today. I wanted to redress that. I still do, and I hope this book will help. But through it all I have been increasingly preoccupied with something else—not the goodness of singleness but the goodness of God. The issue is not whether this path or that path is better, whether singleness or marriage would bring me more good. The issue is God and whether I will plunge myself into him, trusting him every day.
February 1, 2022
This book is great - both for singles and for those who are married. As Allberry states, we are all part of the body of Christ, so a topic that affects a part affects the whole. The singleness and marriages of others in the church are my business and yours. We need to engage with the perspectives of our brothers and sisters.
I think there’s a temptation to hope that a book like this has a secret key that will either make singleness easy or that the longing for marriage will be satisfied by something currently in my life. Instead, Christ and the church are presented as the key. This can feel initially disappointing and cliche, but unless it’s true, this book can’t be five stars. For ultimately, the longing we’re all seeking to satisfy is found in relationship with Jesus alone.
There were several tremendously encouraging portions in Allberry’s work, highlighted by the sweetness and intimacy of friendships, most of all in Jesus, and the involvement of singles in the true family of God - including the exhilaration of seeing others saved and (re)born into this family of God. I also appreciated some of the difficulties of marriage and parenting that were shared. There are ups and downs of marriage and singleness, but the true Up is Jesus.
I think there’s a temptation to hope that a book like this has a secret key that will either make singleness easy or that the longing for marriage will be satisfied by something currently in my life. Instead, Christ and the church are presented as the key. This can feel initially disappointing and cliche, but unless it’s true, this book can’t be five stars. For ultimately, the longing we’re all seeking to satisfy is found in relationship with Jesus alone.
There were several tremendously encouraging portions in Allberry’s work, highlighted by the sweetness and intimacy of friendships, most of all in Jesus, and the involvement of singles in the true family of God - including the exhilaration of seeing others saved and (re)born into this family of God. I also appreciated some of the difficulties of marriage and parenting that were shared. There are ups and downs of marriage and singleness, but the true Up is Jesus.
October 7, 2023
In a culture that greatly undervalues singleness, Allberry corrects several misunderstandings about singleness and points out the abundant opportunities for meaningful relationships. One of the best chapters in the book explains how intimacy can be experienced through genuine friendship, a category largely forgotten by a culture that only conceives of intimacy in a romantic context. The book was both encouraging and challenging with respect to the types and depth of relationships that should be cultivated, particularly within the church. In fact, Christ promises the relationships we form in Christian community are far superior to any relationship we could form apart from Him. Rather than trying to argue why singleness can be just as satisfying as marriage, Allberry shows that neither is meant to fulfill us but to reflect the longing for ultimate fulfillment we find in Christ through the sufficiency of the gospel.
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